The Love of an Adoptive Parent to her Birth Parent

College recommendation letter?  Do you remember them?  Well,  below is a letter of recommendation that one adoptive mother wrote for her birth mother.  Through the words on this letter, one can clearly see how much love and respect this adoptive mother has and will always have for her birth mother.

 To Whom It May Concern:

 Autumn changed our life. Now, let’s back up and qualify that simple statement. 

 When Autumn asked if I would write a letter of recommendation on her behalf as part of the college application process, I couldn’t help but feel both honored and excited. To have any part, no matter how small, in seeing her continue her education and reach her potential is beyond gratifying. She is a remarkable young women and I continue to be in awe of her grace and maturity at every new stage of our relationship. To say she has “overcome adversity” is to say the “grand canyon is a neat little crack in the ground”. Autumn has done far more than simply overcome a challenge; in my humble opinion, she has changed the world for the better. 

 After 5 excruciating pregnancy losses, including a daughter who died in my very arms, my husband and I turned to adoption. Like any other adoptive parent newbies – we had no idea what to expect outside of exaggerated theatrics as often described in made-for-TV movies. But God had different plans for us. 

 As we were grieving the loss of our latest baby, there was another couple who were also facing an extremely difficult situation. Autumn, just a sophomore in high school, became pregnant. While the rest of America was gobbling up the “coolness” of being a teen mom, as glamorized by MTV, Bristol Palin and the latest crop of misguided girls, Autumn did the unimaginable: SHE PUT HER CHILD FIRST. There are not too many adults, let alone teens, who are unselfish enough to make such a mature and excruciating decision. She could have easily hopped aboard the teen mom bandwagon and paraded her daughter around like the latest handbag, but instead, she looked deep inside to make the best decision for the baby. That is when God put us together. 

I could spend just about an eternity describing what my life has been like since meeting Autumn, but it’s not about me, so I will do my best to remain on point. With no other barometer of how to engage in an open adoption relationship, our birth mom/adoptive mom communication rested solely on mutual instinct. We both had to tune out everyone’s well-meaning advice and go with our guts. It turned out to the best decision that either of us could make. 

I got to know Autumn on many different levels. One thing I really enjoyed about her was her zest for school. During Autumn’s pregnancy, she was steadfast in her dedication to her education. In our correspondence, she would beam with excitement for doing well on a test or plowing through a report. She often discussed how much she loved being involved in extracurricular activities, like chorus, and that getting good grades is a central focus of her life. She knew the ticket to success was college and made every concerted effort to not let her pregnancy push her into the expected life of mediocrity. I’ll never forget when Autumn called me several months after the adoption to tell me she just landed her first job. She was so happy about earning her own money and taking on this new responsibly. While most girls in her situation would be understandably stagnant, here she was mustering the strength to keep paving her path to excellence. Make no mistake, she did this with a broken heart. She did this with the anguish of a mother’s baron nest. But, she did this in the best interest of both her child and herself.

 This is by far one of the things that made me so impressed with her (and continues to do so today). I was drawn to her insatiable hunger for overcoming adversity. There were so many nights that I stayed up with her on the phone as she sobbed at the gut wrenching task ahead – that of placing her child with another family to raise. Can you imagine the dynamics of trying to console a girl who is “your ticket to a family”? But this was no ordinary girl, and again, we just had to rely on our hearts to guide us in the evolution of our relationship. 

 Fast forward 10 months post adoption. I am now the proud mommy of the most adorable girl on the planet, Madeline Brooke. She has Autumn’s gorgeous eyes and I love telling people where those magnetic blue peepers came from. I think the most convincing thing I could say about writing a letter of recommendation for Autumn is that I would be darn proud of Madeline if she grew up to posses the same fortitude for life, the same maturity, the same grace, the same dedication to education and the same compassion as that of her biological mom. I greatly look forward to watching Autumn’s life unfold and for being a part of it. Outside of her own parents, my husband and I are her biggest fans. 

 I am happy to answer any follow up questions you may have about this extraordinary girl. 

 Sincerely,

 Jourdan

Christmas Toys

This year Placement from the Heart, our Birth Parent Support Group, collected and donated toys to birth families the week before Christmas.  I have worked with so many deserving birth parents over the years, but staying in touch is always a challenge.  As time moves on, lives change, people lose touch.  I started with phone calls and was pleased that some families had in fact kept the same number.  A few parents had stayed in touch with the attorney who placed their child and I was able to get their information that way.  I even reconnected with a few on Facebook. 

Encouraged and feeling a bit like Santa, I took off with a car full of toys.  As luck would have it, my visits lined up perfectly from one end of I-4 to the other.  As I prepared for my trip, I anticipated that these families would appreciate the gifts.  2010 has been a challenging year financially for many of us and I felt that these gifts would certainly relieve some of that stress.  I even thought that these folks would value the effort that the Support Group was making to deliver toys this close to Christmas.  What I did not anticipate was the overwhelming pride and joy these women felt.  They shared with me every single detail, picture and little tidbit about the children that they placed that the adoptive parents have sent them.

One birth mom was in a shelter, getting her life back on track, and had to meet me in front of a grocery store to protect the anonymity of her home.  She must have showed me 50 pictures!  She had pool pictures, birthday pictures and family pictures.  In these pictures she saw her child smiling and being loved.  She told me that she knows she did the right thing by making the adoption plan and every time she gets pictures and letters her positive feelings are reinforced.   I met another birth mom at her fast food restaurant.  She was able to take a quick break and “shop” in my trunk while she filled me in on the latest details of the little girl she placed.  This birth mother’s face lit up when she told me how smart her daughter is and the things that she and her brother do with the adoptive parents.  She knew the foods that her daughter likes, that she can write her name and that she likes to sing.  I was struck by how similar these conversations were to the ones I have with adoptive parents.  They too can not wait to share pictures and tell me about all of “the firsts” their children are accomplishing.

As I drove home that evening, a bit tired, but very happy, I realized that some adoptive parents may not know how important the pictures and letters that they send really are.  Even if your birth parents do not respond to your efforts, they appreciate everything you do.  Sometimes, for a myriad of emotional reasons, they cannot yet bring themselves to write back.   By sharing just a little bit of your child with their birth parents you have the opportunity to honor and bring peace to these amazing people.

THE PRIVILEDGES OF BEING A NOTARY

When I started at the Adoption & Family Support Center, Angela asked me to become a notary.  This would allow Angela to be able to have me, at a moment’s notice, be able to notarize all important documents for her and the A&FSC staff.  I never realized the depth of responsibility this notary license gave me.  When you sit in an office and witness your boss sign her name, make sure the documents are free from errors, you get a slight realization that your name will be the last and final clearance for the paperwork to be submitted, but still you are in the safety of an office.  That was until the other day…

Angela called me and asked if I would be able to come to the hospital and notarize documents for a birth mother relinquishing her parental rights.  “Of course, sure, no problem” spilled right out of my mouth.  As the conversation continued, Angela explained that I needed to review all the documents, twelve to be exact and make sure I printed out enough copies, checked for any errors and she would call me when she knew the name of the baby.  As I read each document and the words began to sink in, I became more and more nervous. I have never done this before!  I checked for any errors, contacted Angela with numerous questions and on the other end of the phone; a calm, composed Angela explained in great detail the meaning of each document and why it was a good thing that I read each document so I can fully understand why each needed to be signed.  Okay, I was ready…I think.

The next day as I was speaking to Pam on the phone, fear came over me!  Pam, in that calm, composed voice (just like Angela) went over what I need to pay attention too, make sure you have the woman raise her right hand, because you know, as a notary, you have to witness the person testifying that what they are about to sign is correct and the information is truthful to the best of their knowledge.  Oh, great…now I have to speak!  But Pam reassured me that Angela will be in charge and you just follow her lead. 

When I headed to the hospital and as I walked into the woman’s room, I felt calm…a calmness that I hadn’t felt since I got the call from Angela.  The woman seemed very friendly and Angela was so professional, yet patient and caring to the woman’s needs.  I sat in the chair and listened to everything that went on and then Angela explained how I needed to, as a notary, witness the woman raise her right hand and testify that what she was signing was truthful.  Whew…I didn’t have to speak!  The papers went back and forth and things seemed to be going so effortlessly, until that final document….

As I watched the woman sitting in the chair, I saw her hand begin to shake, tears rolled down her cheeks, her chest begin to rise a lot quicker than before and noticed Angela began to tear up and then it hit me.  This woman was relinquishing her right to be a mom!  Oh my goodness as I said to myself – “don’t look at her Lisa, because then you will cry”.  I concentrated on the pen, and listened to the words Angela told her, “do you need a minute”, “do you fully understand”, and as the woman, with tears in her eyes said yes, she signed the final document.  It was passed to Angela for her signature then to me to notarize.  As I was signing my name, I heard the conversation between her and Angela.  The woman told Angela, she was doing the best thing for her child.  She was giving her child a chance at a stable, loving home.   As I looked up, I saw both of them with tears in their eyes, embracing and Angela telling her that although she does not feel this way right now, she should be proud of her decision and never let anyone tell you otherwise.  And just like that, it was done.  All my fears were gone and the three of us sat there and began chatting as if we were old friends!  We talked about my children and Angela’s child and believe it or not, the hospital jello! 

I was done.  I said my goodbyes and told the woman it was a pleasure meeting her and you know; that was the first time in a long time that those words really meant something.  It was a pleasure to meet her.  It was a pleasure to sit and talk to her.  It was a pleasure to have that experience.

I won’t lie to you…I cried on the way home.  I thought of my two children and how hard it was for that woman to do what she did and then I thought of Angela.  She was so kind and even though she was extremely professional, she gave that woman the time and attention she needed.  I am sure I will witness more of these and hope to see the other side…the side of the adoptive parents finally holding their child!  That will be a whole new set of emotions.

I will remember this woman forever and I feel so honored to have been a part of something much bigger than my daily routines.  I am a notary and proud of it!

Elisa Maffucci

A Blink of an Eye…by E. Brown

So often in working with adoptive parents, I find myself struggling to express to them just how incredibly important it is for them to remember that their baby will be just that, a baby, for an instant. 

A blink of an eye- a moment later- and their infant will be a toddler.  From there, it is a short hop to a kindergartner, a quick skip to middle school, and a sprint into young adulthood.  For the couples whom are just beginning the adoption and home study process, this thought is unfathomable.  They are still waiting to begin the journey that is parenthood. 

 Perhaps they have just dealt with the overwhelming grief and loss of infertility, the process of acceptance and hesitant hope that comes with embracing adoption. They are not yet ready to think too far ahead, as they are still just putting one foot in front of the other, working through the vast amount of paperwork and learning all that they can about what to expect from the adoption process.

 No matter how children come into our lives and create and enrich our family, as parents it is vital to remember that every action we take now will echo and resonant into the years ahead.  If a family is being created through adoption, there are some unique opportunities to create a positive echo for the young adult that your child will become. 

 One of those opportunities can be through the occasion to communicate respect and admiration for and to their birthparents, if for no other reason than the fact that they chose adoption rather than abortion.  Depending on the type of adoption (open, closed, partially open) an avenue of communication between adoptive parents and birth parents can vary greatly.  In some instances, the adoptive parents will have had the chance to meet the birthmother and/or birthfather, perhaps just for a meal, or to attend doctor’s appointments or even to participate in the birth of their shared child. 

 In other instances the only opportunity to communicate may be through pictures and letters sent between the parties to update each other on their lives and progress.  These can be so important to both birth parents and adoptive parents; reassuring the birth parent that their difficult decision was the right one, and reminding the adoptive parents of the gratitude that they have for the opportunity to cherish and nurture this child.

When to tell your child he is adopted.

One of the questions I am asked most frequently by adoptive parents is when they should share with their child that he or she is adopted.  With twenty years of experience in the field of adoption I am pleased to report that, with almost no exceptions, all adoptive parents plan to share this critical information with their children.  For many of us fortunate enough to work in this field for decades (I started when I was twelve!) we have seen a shift in society’s level of comfort with adoption.  For those of you who love curling up on the couch on a rainy Saturday afternoon for a “Lifetime” movie marathon, you have no doubt seen Hollywood’s portrayal of adoption in the early and mid Twentieth Century.  These dramas each have unique twists and turns, but share one central theme: secrecy.

 Many families touched by adoption prior to the 1970’s kept their adoption experiences a secret.  It was not uncommon for an adopted child to discover that he was adopted after his parents passed away while he was sorting through legal papers to make their final arrangements.  Imagine, if you will, the flood of emotions experienced at such a moment.  So many unanswered questions, so many losses, so many secrets…    Some adopted children found out they were adopted by accident.  Even though the adoption was a secret to the child, it was not uncommon for other adult family members to know this information.  When adults talk, children listen.  Too many children of this era were told they were adopted as a result of picking a fight with a cousin or winning one too many basketball games.  The bested youngster would “even the score” by blurting out a very unsympathetic “You aren’t even a Johnson, you are adopted”.   Now, the parent’s worst fears had come true.  Their child, who they had done their best to protect, was hurt and felt betrayed.

What the adoptive parents did not know back then, that we know now, is that it was the secret that hurt the child, not being told he was adopted.  As parents, children look to us for everything.  We provide their food and shelter, their nurturing and love.  We protect them from harm and provide the moral compass and spiritual foundations they will need to navigate into adulthood.  Because our relationship as parents must be built on truth, we must share our child’s adoption story with him from the beginning.  This simple truth builds the foundation of trust so essential to the most sacred of relationships: that of parent and child.

A very wise woman once told me to gauge my words and deeds by truth and love.  Using these principles as parents will not be the easiest path but what worthwhile in life ever is.

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The 4 P’s of International Adoption

 Adopting internationally today requires Preparation, Paperwork, Patience and Post Placement.

 Preparation is the decision making period during which you a) decide on the country you want to adopt from, b) research the requirements for adopting from that country and c) choose an adoption agency that works with that country.  You can also prepare by ordering certified copies of paperwork you will need, such as birth certificates, marriage license and divorce decrees.

 Paperwork – loads of paperwork – for your adoption agency, your home study provider and immigration.  It will seem that some, if not much, of the paperwork you complete is redundant.  However, it all goes different places and serves different purposes.  The adoption agency is fulfilling their requirements with regard to their agency operation and meeting the requirements of the countries they work with.  The home study paperwork is an assessment of your fitness and readiness to adopt as a family.  The immigration paperwork is to ensure your readiness to travel overseas and the child’s readiness to travel back with you to the United States.

 Patience is probably the most important “tool” required for completing an international adoption.  The preparation and paperwork phases are tedious and take time to accomplish.  Once those are completed, you will be matched with a child through your agency.  Each agency’s methods of matching are different.  Then there is the travel to your country of adoption.  Some countries require more than one trip; others require stays of a certain length of time; it varies by country.  From the point of signing on with an agency to the point of travel is usually between twelve and eighteen months, approximately.

 Post Placement takes place after you arrive home with your child.  This is a monitory period in which your home study provider visits you and reports back to the agency on the progress of the child and family adjustment.  The length and frequency of post placement monitoring depends on the requirements of your county of adoption.  The post placement reports being filed in a timely manner also keeps your agency in good standing with the country.

 International adoption, while a lengthy process, is also a very rewarding one for many families.  The Adoption & Family Support Center is here to help you choose the right agency and country to complete you adoption journey. Your International Adoption Home Study is your first step.  We are always available to answer your questions.